anglista.edu.pl :: :: CATEGORY: Animals

Mariusz K. · Wysłany: Wto 02 Wrz, 2003 1:08 pm **:: CATEGORY: Animals**

A gorilla went into a pub and said to the barman:
-"I'd take a pint of beer,please".
-"Certainly ,sir, that'll be ten pounds,please".
The gorilla paid his money and started to drink his beer.
-"We don't have many gorillas in here"-said the barman
-"I'm not surprised",said the gorilla,"at ten pounds a pint"

marcin · Wysłany: Nie 10 Paź, 2004 7:24 pm

Four animals a Snake, a Cock, a Cat and a Centipede, all heavy smokers, were playing cards together. When the cigarettes run out, the snake, the big brother, said, "Cock, go out and get some packs! You know, I have NO legs." "But why me?" said the Cock, "I have only TWO legs!" So, the task fell on Centipede with no doubt. Centipede said nothing and left the room.
The left three waited and waited, but Centipede did not show up. One hour later, they couldn't wait anymore. "What's the devil Centipede doing?" Snake said impatiently, "Cat, go out and take a look!"
When Cat gets to the door, he got frightened. Centipede was SITTING there!!!! So the angry Cat said, "What are you doing here?"
"Can't you see? I'm putting on my shoes,” said Centipede.

So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

Jack was single. He lived in a small flat, which he shared with a pet parrot and a pit bull terrier named spike. When Jack's dishwashing machine broke down, he asked his neighbor Pet, the repairman to come and fix it. “The terrier won't harm you,” said Jack before leaving, "But whatever you do, NEVER SPEAK TO THE PARROT"
Soon after, the parrot started on Pet: "I heard your wife shout at you the other day, you are such a wimp" Pet ignored it and kept working. "You couldn't change your flat tire the other day" said the parrot, “so how are you going to fix a dishwashing machine?"
Fed up, Pet replied, "Okay. How would I expect you, with the brain the size of a bean to talk any sense?"
That’s it! Said the parrot, Spike, Get him!

Ken Kaniff · Wysłany: Nie 10 Paź, 2004 8:04 pm

:mrgreen: Hilarious

Mariusz K. · Wysłany: Wto 09 Lis, 2004 11:53 am **A panda in a bar ;-)**

A Panda in a bar

A panda bear walks into a bar, and tells the bartender that he wants to have lunch. The bartender gives him a menu and he orders.

The panda bear eats his lunch, and when he finishes, he gets up to leave. Suddenly, the panda bear pulls an AK-47 out of his fur, and shoots the bar to pieces. He then heads for the door.

The shocked bartender jumps out from behind the destroyed bar and yells, "Hey, what do you think you're doing? You ate lunch, shot up my bar, and now you're just going to leave?"

The panda bear answers calmlly, "I'm a panda bear." The bartender says, "Yeah, so?" The panda bear replies, "Look it up," and walks out the door.

The bartender jumps back behind the ruined bar and grabs his encyclopedia. He looks up "panda bear," and sure enough, there is a picture of the panda bear.

He reads the caption, which says, "Panda Bear--a cuddly, black and white creature. Eats shoots and leaves."

Ken Kaniff · Wysłany: Wto 09 Lis, 2004 7:03 pm

What a coincidence. The autor of a book on punctuation used it as a title. Check it out here.

Mariusz K. · Wysłany: Wto 09 Lis, 2004 10:20 pm

It's partly a coincidence and partly not. As a matter of fact I've learned about the book of Lynne Truss when writing an essay. There was a guy who helped me with the proper use of hyphen and even sent me one of its subchapers in pdf.:"A Little Used Punctuation Mark". If you're interested, just tell me.

Only after your post I realised the author used this joke.
BTW:Thanks for the link.

Ken Kaniff · Wysłany: Wto 09 Lis, 2004 10:41 pm

Yeah, PM the thing, thanks. I was gonna buy the book but they didn't have it in stock and I got some New Matura stuff instead. Neverthless, it sounds like a good book to have.

Hey, the new avatar looks a lot kooler. I got my chameleon back up.

Teacher'ka · Wysłany: Pon 12 Wrz, 2005 7:29 pm

Who always succeeds?
a toothless parrot:D

Agnes1313 · Wysłany: Wto 06 Cze, 2006 4:50 pm

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes. Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."

:zawstydzony: