anglista.edu.pl :: :: CATEGORY: Computers

marcin · Wysłany: Sro 24 Lis, 2004 10:42 am **:: CATEGORY: Computers**

Explanation of Microsoft computer messages
It says: "Press Any Key"
It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."
It says: "Press A Key"
(This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.)
It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error
no. 1A4-2546512430E" It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem."
It says: "Installing program to C:\...."
It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them."
It says: "Please insert disk 11"
It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."
It says: "Not enough memory"
It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K."
It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...."
It means: "... However, if you put the CD in correct side up..."
It says: "Please Wait...."
It means: "... Indefinitely."
It says: "Directory does not exist...."
It means: ".... any more. Whoops."
It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close."
It means: ".... Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back."

Letter to technical support
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system>activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag, Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support

Yesterday - the song about an OS
Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay
Now my database has gone away
Oh I believe in yesterday.....
Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be
And there's a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say
Now all my data's gone and I long for
yesterday-ay-ay-ay
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away
I knew my data was all here to stay
Now I believe in yesterday

Imagine - the song about an OS
Imagine there's no Windows
It's easy if you try
No fatal errors or new bugs
To kill your hard drives
Imagine Mr. Bill Gates
Leaving us in peace!
Imagine never ending hard disks
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to del or wipe off
And no floppy too
Imagine Mr. Bill Gates
Sharing all his money
You may say I'm a hacker
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And your games will fit in RAM
Imagine 1-Giga RAM
I wonder if you can
No need for left-shifts or setups
And no booting again and again
Imagine all the systems
Working all life-time!
You may say I'm a hacker
But I'm not the only one
Maybe someday I'll be a cracker
And then I'll make Windows run....

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."