anglista.edu.pl :: :: CATEGORY: Love & Marriage

marcin · Wysłany: Czw 14 Sie, 2003 8:10 am **:: CATEGORY: Love & Marriage**

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

INSTRUCTIONS AND ADVICE FOR A YOUNG BRIDE:

To the sensitive young woman who has had the benefits of proper upbringing, the wedding day is, ironically, both the happiest and most terrifying day of her life. On the positive side, there is the wedding itself, in which the bride is the central attraction in a beautiful and inspiring ceremony, symbolizing her triumph in securing a male to provide for all her needs for the rest of her life. On the negative side, there is the wedding night, during which the bride must pay the piper, so to speak, by facing for the first time the terrible experience of sex.
At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth.Some young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity and pleasure! Beware such an attitude! A selfish and sensual husband can easily take advantage of such a bride. One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.
On the other hand, the bride's terror need not be extreme. While sex is at best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be endured, and has been by women since the beginning of time, and is compensated for by the monogamous home and by the children produced through it.
It is useless, in most cases, for the bride to prevail upon the groom to forego the sexual initiation. While the ideal husband would be one who would approach his bride only at her request and only for the purpose of begetting offspring, such nobility and unselfishness cannot be expected from the average man.
Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day. The wise bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly during the first months of marriage. As time goes by she should make every effort to reduce this frequency.
Feigned illness, sleepiness, and headaches are among the wife's best friends in this matter. Arguments, nagging, scolding, and bickering also prove very effective, if used in the late evening about an hour before the husband would normally commence his seduction.
Clever wives are ever on the alert for new and b
etter methods of denying and discouraging the amorous overtures of the husband. A good wife should expect to have reduced sexual contacts to once a week by the end of the first year of marriage and to once a month by the end of the fifth year of marriage.
By their tenth anniversary many wives have managed to complete their child bearing and have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating all sexual contacts with the husband. By this time she can depend upon his love for the children and social pressures to hold the husband in the home.
Just as she should be ever alert to keep the quantity of sex as low as possible, the wise bride will pay equal attention to limiting the kind and degree of sexual contacts. Most men are by nature rather perverted, and if given half a chance, would engage in quite a variety of the most revolting practices. These practices include among others performing the normal act in abnormal positions; mouthing the female body; and offering their own vile bodies to be mouthed in turn.
Nudity, talking about sex, reading stories about sex, viewing photographs and drawings depicting or suggesting sex are the obnoxious habits the male is likely to acquire if permitted.
A wise bride will make it the goal never to allow her husband to see her unclothed body, and never allow him to display his unclothed body to her. Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practiced only in total darkness. Many women have found it useful to have thick cotton nightgowns for themselves and pajamas for their husbands. These should be donned in separate rooms. They need not be removed durning the sex act. Thus, a minimum of flesh is exposed.
Once the bride has donned her gown and turned off all the lights, she should lie quietly upon the bed and await her groom. When he comes groping into the room she should make no sound to guide him in her direction, lest he take this as a sign of encouragement. She should let him grope in the dark. There is always the hope that he will stumble and incur some slight injury which she can use as an excuse to deny him sexual access.
When he finds her, the wife should lie as still as possible. Bodily motion on her part could be interpreted as sexual excitement by the optimistic husband.
If he attempts to kiss her on the lips she should turn her head slightly so that the kiss falls harmlessly on her cheek instead. If he attempts to kiss her hand, she should make a fist. If he lifts her gown and attempts to kiss her anyplace else she should quickly pull the gown back in place, spring from the bed, and announce that nature calls her to the toilet. This will generally dampen his desire to kiss in the forbidden territory.
If the husband attempts to seduce her with lascivious talk, the wise wife will suddenly remember some trivial non-sexual question to ask him. Once he answers she should keep the conversation going, no matter how frivolous it may seem at the time.
Eventually, the husband will learn that if he insists on having sexual contact, he must get on with it without amorous embellishment. The wise wife will allow him to pull the gown up no farther than the waist, and only permit him to open the front of his pajamas to thus make connection.
She will be absolutely silent or babble about her housework while his huffing and puffing away.

marcin · Wysłany: Czw 14 Sie, 2003 8:21 am **Viagra**

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to follow?" she asks.
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home-made soup, home-made muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires.
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the store and buy him some food. "Would you like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe you'd like a pizza micro waved or a tasty stir-fry? That would only take a couple of minutes."
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up, then? I'm starving!"

Two old ladies were chatting one day.
They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex.
The first old lady said she enjoyed sex now just as much as ever. The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was.
The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom, he gets turned on and has his way with her.
The second old lady decides to try this approach. So that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head.
Her husband comes into the bedroom, takes one look and says, "For God's sake Maude, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you're starting to look like an asshole!"

One afternoon a little girl returned from school, and announced that her friend had told her where babies come from.
Amused, her mother replied: "Really, sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?"
The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the Mommy and Daddy take off all of their clothes, and the Daddy's thingee sort of stands up, and then Mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get babies."
Her Mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her, eye to eye and said, "Oh, Honey, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies. That's how you get jewellery."

'Ex-ex-ex-cuse m-m-me, d-doc, b-but I have th-th-this st-st-stutter problem and I-I-I was wo-wondering if you c-c-c-could help m-m-me', said a patient to a doctor.
'Well, take off your clothes, get into this gown and I will check you over and run some test', replies the physician.
'Ummm, I do believe I see the problem', the doctor says after a thorough going over of the man.'Your penis is so large and heave, it is actually pulling down your vocal chords. We will need to cut off about six inches to relieve the strain on your throat'.
'I-I-I c-c-can't st-stand th-this st-stut-stuttering any longer, it-it-it k-k-keeps from get-getting pretty g-g-girls, so do-do it'.
Six months later the patient returns to the doctors office with another complaint, 'Doc, the operation was a great success, I can pick up all the pretty girls now, but the sex is terrible, please put back those six inches you removed'.
Doctor:'F-f-f-fuck off!'

These two rednecks were going to a local gas station to get gas and saw a sign in the station saying "FREE SEX WITH EACH FILL UP" They immediately pulled into the gas station and told the attendant to 'fill her up.' They went into the office and inquired about the 'free sex' "Well," the manager said, "the rules are you have to guess a number from 1 to 10. If you guess the number, you get free sex. "What number would you like to guess at?" Well they talked it over and said six.
The manager said; "I'm sorry, the number is 7, better luck next time." Of course they told their family and friends about the free sex at the gas station. So they have been buying gas for a couple of weeks and keep going in to try to win the free sex. They drive in again and fill up their truck. After the fill up they go in to guess another number.
"We pick 8 this time": they told the manager. "I'm sorry boys, the number was 9." By this time they are getting a little frustrated and as they are driving away they start questioning if this is just a trick to get them to buy gas. But the driver says: "No, I know it's legitimate, my wife won twice last week."

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party. Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?", asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation.", said the man. "I just came in my pants!."

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother,
I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:
"Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love,
Mom

Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses.
"You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."
"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."

A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and she agreed.
He asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough- Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product.
When asked if she used it, the answer was "Yes."
Asked how she used it, she said, "To assist sexual intercourse."
The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."

It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.
"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your boobs," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"
At first she declined but finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.
"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does." Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.
The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.
"Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell *HIM*, you have a headache!"

Exhaustion
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse. "Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says. The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday. "I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."

Ethics
A woman said, "Kiss me doctor!" Doctor said, "I can't as we doctors have an ethics standard that does not allow us to kiss our patients, in fact, I really shouldn't be f**king you."

Five penises
Patient: Doctor, I've got five penises. Doctor: Well, how do your pants fit? Patient: Like a glove.

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion."

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom.
Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.
As she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon". She confirms and asks how he knew. "Easy, you're always washing your hands." She then says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist." Male doctor: "Wow, how did you guess?" Female doctor: "I didn't feel a thing."

What does a gynecologist and a pizza delivery driver have in common? They can smell it but they can't take a taste.

There are at least SEVEN types of ORGASM of a WOMAN:
1. The Optimist - Oh Yes, Oh Yes, OhYes...
2. The Pessimist - Oh No, Oh No, Oh No...
3. The Confused - Oh Yes, Oh No, Oh Yes, Oh No....
4. The Traveler - Ahh, I'm coming, I'm coming...
5. The Religious - Oh God, Oh God...
6. The Userer - Ahh, More, More, More...
7. The Murderer - Ahh, If you take it out, I'll kill you...

marcin · Wysłany: Pon 18 Sie, 2003 10:38 am

In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.
If a police officer in Coeur D'Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is having sex inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three times, and wait two minutes before being allowed to approach the scene.
A law in Oblong, Illinois, makes it a crime to make love while fishing or hunting on your wedding day.
In Ames, Iowa, a husband may not take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife.
A law in Alexandria, Minnesota, makes it illegal for a husband to make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions or sardines.
A Helena, Montana law states that a woman cannot dance on a saloon table unless her clothing weighs more than three pounds two ounces.
Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska, are required by law to provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the law, no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the nightshirts.
Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey, law.
During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico, no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.
In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.
In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.
Hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, are required by law to furnish their rooms with twin beds only. There should be a minimum of two feet between the beds, and it is illegal for a couple to make love on the floor between the beds.
In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.
A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.
In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances (including the wedding night)
In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot of a gun wile his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.
The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.

Ken Kaniff · Wysłany: Sob 09 Paź, 2004 11:12 am **Reincarnation**

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death.

Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.

At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you."

Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."

"What do you do all day?" asked Martha.

"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."

Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"

"Heaven? Oh, I'm not in Heaven, Martha."

"Well, then, where are you, then?"

"I'm a bunny rabbit in Arizona, Martha."

Mariusz K. · Wysłany: Sob 09 Paź, 2004 2:17 pm **worth considering ;-)**

:mrgreen: I'm tend to believe in reincarnation athough I wouldn't like to go back as a bunny rabbit. But I still wonder how it is possible that she called him out if he was still alive(his soul entered a new body). I can only imagine that at the time she did it the rabitt was in a kind of hypnosis or something when his soul left the body to contact the beloved. In other case I would call the spiritual seance a hoax.

Synneve · Wysłany: Czw 02 Gru, 2004 10:09 pm

Do you know what's the past part in Ethipian blowjob?
Awareness she 'll swallow every drop!

P.S.A little bit cruel.... but funny at least huh?
Shoot me text what do you think! See ya!

majlo · Wysłany: Pon 30 Maj, 2005 10:06 pm

sorry 4 Polish sentence but it's indespesable:

W biurze imigracyjnym przy wypełnianiu formularzu:
- Sex?
- Twice a week.
- No, I mean male or female?
- Doesn't matter.

:lol::lol::lol:

forswear