anglista.edu.pl :: :: CATEGORY: Religion

marcin · Wysłany: Czw 14 Sie, 2003 8:11 am **:: CATEGORY: Religion**

A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to a veterinary clinic for innoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, the vet realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. So, the vet turned on the water faucet, wet his fingers, and moistened each dog's head when he had finished.
After the fourth puppy, the vet noticed the talkative client had grown silent. As the vet sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized, too."

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the greates doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

The guy keeps falling asleep in church and his wife is getting sick of it. She decides she'll
bring a pin to church with her and poke him when he starts falling asleep. They're in church that next Sunday and he starts falling asleep right as the preachers saying, "and the Lord God created the heavens and the earth." His wife pokes him and he jumps up yelling "HALLELUIA!!" The preacher, looking startled, says "very good, very
good."
A little while later he starts falling asleep again as the preachers saying, "and the
Lord parted the red sea for Moses". His wife pokes him and he jumps up yelling, "PRAISE THE LORD!!" The preacher exclaims, "very good, very good!"
A little while later he falls asleep again just as the preacher says, "and what did Eve say
to Adam after they had their second child?" His wife pokes him again and he jumps up yelling, "STICK THAT THING IN ME AGAIN AND I'M GONNA BREAK IT OFF!"

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, its called turpentine."
The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water, If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby boy."
The little boy replied, "Shoot, that ain't nothin'. You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's butt and he'll pass a motorcycle."

A priest was walking down his street one day when he noticed a very small boy trying to press the doorbell on a house. The boy was very short and the doorbell was too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moved closer to the boy. He crossed the street, walked up behind the little fellow, placed his hand kindheartedly on the child's shoulder leaned over and gave the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiled benevolently and asked, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replied, "Now we run!"

A cop pulls over a car load of nuns.
Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slow?"
Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."
Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"
Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."
At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.
Cop: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible."
Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119."

Two women waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first woman asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first woman. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second woman. You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first woman. "You see, I kind of knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I quietly entered from the back door and went through the kitchen and rushed into the bedroom, and found him alone, watching TV. Then I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second woman shakes her head. "That's so ironic," she says. "If you had only stopped in the kitchen to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

Mother Theresa is up in heaven and she spots Princess Di. She notices that Di's halo is bigger than hers. She goes to St Peter and says "I have done God's work for 85 years, I have suffered, healed and helped others all my life. I gave up all of my worldly belongings. So tell me St. Peter, why does Di have a bigger halo than I do?"
St. Peter calmly replied, "That's not a halo, that's a steering wheel."

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death.
Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.
At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?"
A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes, Martha, this is John. I can hear you."
Martha tearfully asked, "Oh, John, what is it like where you are?"
"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."
"What do you do all day?", asked Martha.
"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love againg until about five. After dinner, we go at it againt until we fall asleep about 11. pm."
Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"
"Heaven? Oh, I'm not in Heaven, Martha."
"Well, then, where are you, then?"
"I'm a bunny rabbit in Arizona, Martha."

Q: What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?
A: A roaming catholic.

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased -- what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."

There was an old lady who would come out every morning on the steps of her front porch, raise her arms to the sky, and shout, "Praise the Lord!"
Well, one day, an atheist moved into the house next door. Over time, he became irritated at the old lady. So, every morning he would step out onto his front porch and yell after her, "There is no Lord!"
Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day. Then one morning in the middle of the winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted, "Praise the Lord! Lord, I have no food and I am starving. Please provide food for me, oh Lord!"
The next morning, she stepped onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there. "Praise the Lord!" she cried out. "He has provided groceries for me!"
The atheist jumped out of the hedges and shouted. "There is no Lord. I bought the groceries!"
The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted, "Praise the Lord! He has provided me with groceries and He made the devil pay for them!"

A desperate young mother had two incorrigible boys. Having exhausted all suggestions for controlling the little hellions, she tried one last approach: she took them to the meanest preacher in town for a lecture. First the older boy was admitted into the stern minister's study.
Glaring at the boy from behind the desk, the preacher waited a few moments, then challenged the boy: "Young man, where is God?" The boy was stunned to silence.
The preacher rose part way out of his chair and repeated the question: "I asked you, Where Is God?" The boy began to quake with dread .... this was no ordinary lecture for being bad!
Stepping around from behind the desk, the impassioned preacher now shouted his question, "WHERE IS GOD!?" At this, the boy leaped from his chair and bolted out the door, running headlong into his little brother.
"What's wrong? What's the matter?" his brother asked. "It's awful! The church has LOST GOD and they're BLAMING US!"

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?' " "That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"

It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic Church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes.
Finally, the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he said,
"as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend."
The four nuns agree, and run off.
Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive
me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath.
The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the
street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbor's dog and killed it. "The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.
Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves.
The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks.
The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?"
The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."

Mariusz K. · Wysłany: Pią 05 Wrz, 2003 10:17 pm **Adam & Eve and God- jokes**

God and Adam are talking.
Adam asks God why He made Eve so soft and smooth.
God says, "so you will want her"
Adam asks God why He made her so attractive.
God says, "so you will want her."
Adam asks God why he made her stupid.
God says, "so she will want you."

One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news," The Lord said.
Adam looked at The Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, The Lord
explained, "I've got two new organs for you, One is called a brain. It will allow you to
create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other
organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you
to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these
two gifts at the same time."

Teacher'ka · Wysłany: Wto 13 Wrz, 2005 5:40 pm

Why wasn't Christ born in Poland?
Because they couldn't find three wisemen and a virgin.
:lol:

majlo · Wysłany: Sob 08 Paź, 2005 2:14 am

A young hippie gets on the bus & notices a young and very nice nun. So he sits down next to her and asks if she'd like to have sex with him
- NO - the nun answers - I'm devoted to God. She stands up and gets off on the next stop. The bus driver who heard everything turns around and asks:
- If you really want to have sex with her I can tell you how to do it.
- Tell me then - the hippie says.
She goes to the cemetary to pray every night. Just put on a white hooded garment, sprinkle your beard with shiny powder, you will jump out unawares and tell you'd be God. That is what the hippie did. He put on the garment, he jumped from behind a gravestone and told he was God & wanted to have sex with the nun. The nun consented to it without objections, but she asked for it to ba an anal intercourse because she must remain a virign. The hippie agreed, and when they were done he took off the hood and shouted:
- Ha! Ha! I'm the hippie......
- Ha! Ha! - the nun shouted - I'm the bus driver...