An elderly man who denies he is being forgetful was asked by his wife to get a cup of coffee at midnight. "Oh sure my dear, and what else?" "That's it honey, the last time you got me a coffee, you forgot to put sugar and cream," the old wife remarked. "That's not true, for as long as I can remember, I do not forget anything,” boasts the grandpa. "OK sweetheart, in that case, please get me some cookies too," was the sweet reply of grandma. "As you wish my dear," says the hubby, then he adds, "by the way, how do I go to the kitchen?"
A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.
One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't let me have my half of the road!"
After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, "That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of the road. Why not?
In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, "Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road --- if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!"
A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.
After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady Answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
I want to die like my grandfather-peacefully in his sleep not screaming like the passengers in his car.
There's an elderly man and woman sitting in the sunroom of a retirement home.
The old man says to the woman, 'For five dollars, I'll have sex with you on that rockin chair over there. For ten dollars, I'll have sex with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I'll take you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you'll never forget.'
The woman considers it a moment and then, after fishing through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill.
The man says, 'So, you want a night in my room, eh?'
The woman says, 'No, I want four times in the rocker.'
Three old pilots are walking on the ramp.
The first one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
The second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
The third one says, "So am I. Lets go get a beer."
An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms- Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc... The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."
This really really old guy is walking on the beach one day.
He hears a little teenie tiny voice calling out "Hey Mister ... pssst ... come here."
He looks around and sees a little tiny frog under a palm tree. He picks it up and it says "Hey Mister ... if you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful young woman and your wishes will be my commands forever."
He takes the frog, puts it in his pocket, and starts to walk back toward home.
The frog says "Hey, what are ya doing? Don't ya want to kiss me?"
The old man says, "No ... to tell you the truth, at my age, a talking frog is worth a whole lot more to me."
One day this old lady walks into the doctor's office and is shown into a room. When the doctor comes in and asks what the problem is she answers, "I have awful gas, but it doesn't bother me. You see, it's completely silent, and doesn't smell at all."
So the doctor, after examining her thoroughly gives her some pills and tells her to take one
everyday and come back in a week.
So the old lady comes back, and when the doctor asks if her problem is any better she replies, "Well I don't know what you gave me but now my gas smells terribly!"
The doctor replies "Well now that we've got your sinuses cleared up let's work on your hearing!"
Wysłany: Pią 05 Wrz, 2003 10:25 pm The old man's troubles
A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man
a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the
75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and
empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked.
"You asked your NEIGHBOUR?" The old man replied,
"Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't
get the damn jar open!"
An old lady was driving in her car on a narrow road. She was knitting at the same time, so she was driving very slowly.
A man came up from behind and he wanted to pass her. He opened the window and yelled, "Pull over! Pull over!"
The lady yelled back, "No, it's a sweater!"
ally Gość
Wysłany: Sob 27 Wrz, 2003 1:09 pm old pals and a bad memory
Jack hadn't been to a school reunion in decades. When he walked in, Jack thought he recognised a woman over in the corner, so he approached her and extended his hand in greeting. " You look like Helen Brown," he said. "Well," the woman snapped back, "you don't look so great in blue either."
SAMUEL JOHNSON, 1790-1784, English Writer and author of the famous Dictionary of the English Language
Once Samuel Johnson was asked how he had completed his great dictionary.
He smiled and answered, "Oh, it was like quarrelling with one's wife - one word led to another."
From "Famous People in Anecdotes"
collected and adapted by WANDA RUTKOWSKA
Warszawa, 1977
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