Zaproszone osoby: 16 Pomógł: 29 razy Posty: 751 Skąd: Kraków
Wysłany: Czw 14 Sie, 2003 8:14 am :: NO CATEGORY CATEGORY: - just a joke
Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and asks for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man says. The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank's doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer says. The man writes out a check and starts to walk away. "Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiles, "Where else could I find a safer pl! ace to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.
"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"
"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."
He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."
Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says.
She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."
"Why?" he asks.
"Because it's rough, it's tough and it doesn't take crap off anybody!"
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."
The other hooks his thumb behind him says, "Dog crap, 20 feet."
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my cock," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
A little turtle begins to slowly climb a tree. After long hours of great effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs frantically, until he crashes heavily into the ground. After recovering consciousness he starts to climb the tree again, jumps once more, but again crashes to the ground.
The little turtle does this again and again, while all the time his heroic efforts are being watched with sadness by a couple of birds perched on a nearby branch.
Finally, the female bird says to the male bird, "Dear, don't you think it's time to tell Tommy he is adopted?"
Mr Cikoch was a biology instructor at a snobby suburban girl's junior college. During class one day he asked his student, "Miss Simison, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."
Miss Simison gasped, and then said, "Mr. Cikoch, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this. "With that she sat down red-faced.
Mr. Cikoch then called on Miss Hakar and asked the same question. Miss Hakar, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."
"Correct," said Mr. Cikoch. "And now, Miss Simison, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope, sorry three-wish genies are a story-tale myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So...what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the house cleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for .. a good man."
The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said, "Let me see that map again."
One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river. Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools and the intelligence... to cross this river."
And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
The Mother Superior instructs two nuns to paint a new room in the convent. "And don't get a drop of paint on your habits," she sternly admonishes.
The two nuns decide that the only way they will keep their habits clean is to take them off, paint the room, then put them back on. So they strip, and begin painting.
Suddenly there is a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" asks one of the nuns.
"Blind man," comes the reply.
The nuns look at each other and shrug. "No harm letting him in," one says, and opens the door.
"Whoa, sister! Where do you want these blinds?"
I had just moved from an apartment to a house in the same small town. One day at the grocery store, I used the last of my personalized checks bearing my old address. The cashier examined the document and asked if everything on
it was correct. I assured her that it was, and she started to put the check in the cash drawer. But then she inquired again if everything was accurate.
"Why do you ask?" I responded.
"Because," she replied, "my husband and I moved to this apartment yesterday, and I don't remember seeing you at breakfast."
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"
The father, (never having seen an elevator), responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your mother!!"
Wysłany: Sob 27 Wrz, 2003 12:00 pm Silly questions & no answers ;)
1.If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2.If people from Poland are called "Poles", why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?
3.Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
4.Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
5.Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
6."I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
7.Why isn't 11 pronounced "onety one"?
8.Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
9.Why is that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe him, but if someone tells you that a
wall has wet paint you will touch it to be sure?
10.No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning. Why?
11.If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
12.If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
13.Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as "4s"?
14.What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?
15.When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? (" Human.......")
16.I thought about mothers feeding their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?(wykałaczek)
17.You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Zaproszone osoby: 16 Pomógł: 29 razy Posty: 751 Skąd: Kraków
Wysłany: Czw 09 Paź, 2003 2:32 pm
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the EU rather than German,
which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her
Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for
improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that
would be known as "EuroEnglish."
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly,
this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c"
will be dropped in favor of the "k:" This should klear up konfusion
and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when
the troublesome "ph" will be replased with the "f." This will make
words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which
have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that
the horible mess of the silent "e"s in the language is
disgraseful and they should go away.
By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing
"th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o"
kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes
vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be
no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand
ech ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!!!! And zen ve vil take over ze vorld!!!!
I used to buy "CD-Action" and you could find there stuff like this text.
I like it and it definitely should be read by a computer freak or a student of computer science.
_________________ "Be a first rate version of yourself,not a second rate version of someone else"
Wysłany: Czw 07 Paź, 2004 11:27 am Three prisoners ;-)
Three prisoners, an American, a German, and a Pole, are scheduled to be executed by firing squad. They bring out the American and stand him in front of the pole. He points and shouts, "TORNADO"!. They all look and the American runs away. Next, they place the German in front of the firing squad. He yells "Earthquake!". They all hit the dust and the German escapes. Next up is the Polack. He looks around and shouts "FIRE!".
_________________ "Be a first rate version of yourself,not a second rate version of someone else"
Wysłany: Pią 08 Paź, 2004 11:11 am Polack is an offensive word-do not use!!!
I was suspicious about it but I decided to write the original word used in the joke and wait for the reactions :mrgreen: BTW: I found this politically uncorrect joke last year in "Gazeta Wyborcza". Strange isn't it? But of course I will change it into more Poland-friendly word.
ATTENTION! Using Ken's remark, when abroad and talking about yourself, DO NOT USE THE WORD "Polack" as it is a higly insulting word used esp. in American English to describe people of the Polish origin.
Instead, when introducing yourself, use POLE or POLISH
e.g.-"I'm Polish" or "I'm a Pole"-Jestem Polakiem.
_________________ "Be a first rate version of yourself,not a second rate version of someone else"
Sure you didn't, Ken But I corrected it also because I concluded that two words is enough to describe a person of a Polish origin. We should forget this insulting word once and forever. Here, ignorance is a bless :mrgreen:
_________________ "Be a first rate version of yourself,not a second rate version of someone else"
Zaproszone osoby: 16 Pomógł: 29 razy Posty: 751 Skąd: Kraków
Wysłany: Sro 14 Wrz, 2005 7:56 pm YOU'RE PROUD TO BE BRITISH BECAUSE.........
Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.
Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawnmower in the garage.
Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
NOT TO MENTION..
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
4 broken arms were reported in UK hospitals last year after cracker pulling.
18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last 2 years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control scalextric cars.
AND FINALLY.............
8 Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet in the year 2000.
Zaproszone osoby: 1 Pomógł: 65 razy Posty: 861 Skąd: the boonies
Wysłany: Pią 28 Paź, 2005 7:46 pm
Snow White, Hercules & Quasimodo wanted to find out if what is said about them is true, that means: if Snow White is the most beautiful, if Hercules is the stronger and if the Quasimodo is the ugliest. They decided to ask the looking glass. Snow White comes out from the room and happily shouts: - Hurray! I'm the most beautiful! Hercules is the next one: - Hurray! I'm the stronger! Quasimodo was the last. He comes out: - Who the f**k is that Kaczynska from Warsaw??!!
_________________ Every man dies, but not every man really lives.
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But I corrected it also because I concluded that two words is enough to describe a person of a Polish origin. We should forget this insulting word once and forever. Here, ignorance is a bless :mrgreen:
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